K9 Komidee

 

  

Dog People
  • Dog people usually have crates in their living rooms.
  • Dog people keep messy houses, but their kennels are spotless.
  • Dog people can always find a show catalog within an arms reach.
  • Dog people have kids who know more about the birds and the bees when they are five than most people know at 40.
  • Dog people will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel room and $150 on meals to bring home a 25 cent ribbon.
  • Dog people drive trucks, vans, and motorhomes equipped to haul crates.
  • Dog people can never be reached on weekends, unless you happpen to be at the same show.
  • Dog people have trouble getting to work on time but can be at ringside by 8:00 a.m.
  • Dog people will give up a $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 dog kennel.
  • Dog people have children who grow up believing "Bitch" is just another household word
  • Dog people have lusch green yards and never buy fertilizer.
  • Dog people pay the mortgage 10 days late BUT never miss a closing date for entries.
  • Dog people would rather be audited by the IRS than investigated by the AKC.
  • Dog people use dog food bags for trash and trash cans for dog food.
  • Dog people talk on the phone for hours to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.
  • Dog people have parents who think they've lost their minds, neighbors who think they're strange and doggy friends who think they're terrific!!

You are a dog person if...

      • You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
      • Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
      • You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
      • The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
      • You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
      • Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
      • You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
      • Your dog sleeps with you.
      • You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
      • You have little songs that you sing to your dog, and she always wags when you sing, even though you can't carry a tune.
      • Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
      • You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
      • You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
      • You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
      • You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
      • You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
      • You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
      • You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
      • You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
      • You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
      • You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
      • You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day.
      • Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
      • Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
      • Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
      • You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
      • You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).
      • You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
      • You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
      • You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
      • You are the only idiot out walking in the pouring rain, but your dog needs her walk.
      • You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
      • Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog, remember her birthday, and send her greeting cards and gifts.
      • Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
      • Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
      • You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...).
      • Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
      • You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
      • You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.
      • You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
      • You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
      • You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
      • You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
      • And the number one reason you know you're a dog person: Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!

AGILITY "GLOSSARY"

ARTICUNAVIGATING (ar-'tic-u-nav-i-gat-ing) vb. to bark commands at one's invisible dog while walking the course.

CONTACTECULE (kon-'tak-ti-kyool) n.the smallest particle of a toenail a judge can see to determine if your dog made the contact.

CRATIFY ('kray-ti-fi) vb. to convert a van or station wagon for canine transportation.

DISCOURSIFICATION (dis-'cours-i-fi-'k-shun) vb. the act of throwing both hands in the air to disqualify oneself after a brain malfunction causes one to send one's dog off course.

ESTIWALKING ('es-te-'waw-kin) n. trying to figure out a course's ostacle order before the numbers are placed.

FRAMEGAZING ('fraym-gay-zin) n. when your dog stops at the top of the A-frame and looks around at the spectators.

HESITIP ('hez-e-tip) vb. when the dog slows down and leans back on the teeter just before the tip point.

JUDGE FRIGHT ('juj 'freyet) n. a dog's belief that the judge is an axe-murderer.

MISCOMMANDICATION (mis-ke-mand-i-'kay-shun) Calling out the wrong name for the next obstacle. (See "TUNNIRE" and "TEETUNNEL")

NOWAITACIDAL TENDENCIES (no-'wait-uh-sy-dal 'ten-den-seez) n. the overwhelming desire of some dogs to start the course while the handler's back is turned.

NOWAYZONE (no-'way-zon) n. the area beyond which there is no chance of calling your dog to return to the course once he's left the ring to visit friends.

OTHERLEFTITUS ('uth-er-left-'ti-tus) n. a condition in which the handler is constantly giving the wrong directional command.

POOPYLACTIC (poo-pe-'lak-tik) n. the plastic bag used to pick up dog doo.

POPUPPUPS ('pop-up-pups) n. dogs that lift their rears and/or elbows just prior to the 'go' command on the table.

PREMATURE OEXITATION (pre-me-'tur o-eg-se-'tay-shun) n. the act of leaving the table before the "O" in "GO".

PUPULSION (pu-'pul-shun) n. the invisible force a handler uses to make the dog perform an obstacle at a distance.

REPOLE (re-'pol) vb. to correct a weave pole performance without having to start completely over.

RETUN ('re-tun) vb. to perform back-to-back tunnels.

SUBCINCO (sub-sin-ko) adj. describing a run with less than 5 faults.

TUNNIRE (tun-'ire) n. an object which is either the tunnel or the tire, but the handler can't remember which. (see "MISCOMMANDICATION")

TEETUNNEL ('tee-tun-ul) n. an object which is either the teeter or the tunnel, but the handler can't remember which. (see "MISCOMMANDICATION")

UNTUN (un-'tun) vb. when a dog reverses and comes out the same side of a tunnel he entered.

WHERETOWHIRL ('hwer-tu-hwerl) n. the spinning motion a dog makes after completing an obstacle not knowing where to go next.

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like.....

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest-practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...
run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

How does your dog
change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one? After that I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover...

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

Greyhound:
If it isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a lightbulb?

Hound Dog:

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

 

 

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the
crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as
soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Dog Commandments

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she
likes her privacy)
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou
has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou
has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am
sleeping.
Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my
mother-in-law's leg.